Thursday, April 7, 2011

Mark me absent

Just want you ladies to know why I've been absent on HWHL of late.

It has to do with part of Sue's post too actually: not being critical of others.

When I'm participating in HWHL de rigeur, my focus tends to be a bit, well, health-related. It becomes a part of my vision, my rose-colored-health glasses, if you will.

Problem is, that vision tends to make me more critical of a certain really wonderful man in my life who is not blessed with my genetics, my vegetable-loving disposition, or the time I have to indulge my weight-lifting/walking proclivities.

I've tried not to be critical, prayed about it and held my tongue, but my mind still goes there and those thoughts seep out of my pores in subtle ways unwillingly.

And it's just not good.

So, although I'm still doing all these good things for myself, I'm not as self-aware about it. And by not deliberately thinking about it, I'm less critical.

And that's good.

A strong marriage is important, don't you think.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Finding direction

The past several months have been a difficult time in my life and I have found myself longing for the days when I felt full (no pun intended). When I felt blessed at every turn and I could think of little else (besides money, but who doesn't want that?) that I needed in my life to feel complete. I have been struggling to find joy and the ability to look forward to the coming years.

Today as I walked in the cool morning air I listened to the BYU Men's Chorus on my iPod. The Lord answered my prayers with The Prayer of St. Francis of Assisi.

Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace,
Where there is hatred, let me bring love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy;

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

I have experienced a lot of humility lately, recognizing in myself the tendency to judge. What vanity it is to think that my way is the superior way, to not recognize that each of God's children has the right of free agency to maneuver through their trials in their own way, and that God has infinite love and patience for them. I have seen how withholding unconditional love prevents our loved ones from reaching their full potential, but with our faithful love, they can become all that God has in store for them.

I have been pretty self-absorbed for a long time and it is time to shine forth with God's light and be an instrument in His hand. I hope that I can bring comfort to those that are hurting and that I can weave into my character a tendency to put others' needs before my own.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

One, two, buckle my shoe - nine, ten, do it again...

I am here to sadly report that just one year after starting with the Healthy Wives I am right back where I started.


I began in March 2010 at 158 pounds and size 12, got down to 143.5 pounds and size 6/8 by June 2010, maintained through the summer and fall, then completely went to pot once winter came. I now weigh 157 pounds and am right back in those size 12's.

Simply put, I quit exercising when it got cold and I began eating with reckless abandon. I love exercising outside, more for the mental health aspect than anything else, so when it got too cold I just lost my mojo and couldn't bring myself to do any of the workout DVDs collecting dust on my shelf. I would sporadically go out walking in the sub-freezing temperatures,

(like the icicles on my eyebrows? I think it was 2 degrees on this January morning.)

but was never consistent. I quit caring about what I was eating, I think mostly because I didn't feel great anyway, without the daily exercise, so I just threw caution to the wind. I knew I was gaining, but I couldn't find the motivation to do anything about it. I always found a little comfort in the fact that I was still under my starting weight of 158 and I just kept telling myself that I'd do something about it once spring came.

The other day I got on the scales and was super depressed to see 158.5 staring back at me. How did I let this happen? Why, oh why, did I waste all that effort, all that health, all that fitness only to have to start all over again? It's so frustrating and I'm just kicking myself. I know why I did it. I was depressed because my husband is gone all the time and I'm usually in a lousy mood most of the winter anyway.

I'd like to say that I've had some great epiphany and am super motivated now, but it's more a case of spring is here and I just don't have winter as my excuse anymore. I want to feel better, to breathe deeply of the fresh country air, to fit into my smaller clothes, to feel good about myself again. I want to feel like this:

(Bear Lake, July 2010)

all sassy and confident because this was the first time in, oh, probably forever, that I didn't feel self-conscious in a bathing suit.

So I am starting again with my handy-dandy mini notebook where I write my calories, and tomorrow I will put on my running shoes and get about the business of getting healthy again.

Here is a recent picture of me, on March 16 after having carpal tunnel release surgery on both hands:

My doc said that after three weeks the wounds will be healed enough that I can do push-ups on them. Time to bust a move!

P.S. Where are we in the current challenge? I haven't been keeping track; is the 5 week challenge over?

Monday, April 4, 2011

Just popping in...

Just popping in to say Hi!  I had a lovely birthday yesterday...the very first one without birthday cake!  No body complained, so hey! 

And...actually, it's not my knee that hurts.  I don't know if it's a pinched nerve or what...(very frustrating!).  When I drive or sleep, the top of my calf and the bottom of my thigh (back of my leg) just somebody punched me there.  It is most painful in the driving position.  I can do weights ok, but running, racquetball and aerobics irritate it (mostly when I bend it alot).  After it's irritated, it's very painful to pull my ankle up to my butt.  If I have to drive very far, the pain about brings me to tears.  I spent over an hour in physical therapy.  It felt better...until I got in the car.  Less than a block away, it started hurting again.  It feels better if I get up and walk around on it.  Rubbing it doesn't help.  No pain killers (Tylenol, Motrin, etc.) have helped.  Two nights ago I had to take sleeping pills (3 times) to get me through the night.

Has anyone else had this kind of pain?  I've been to a regular doctor, a chiropractor and a physical therapist.  It just seems to be getting worse!  Maybe my body is rebelling for lack of sugar! haha